BOHICA Act Of 2009

Whereas it has been found by diligent inquiry on the part of the Secretary of Homeland Security that apprehension of criminals is facilitated by use of facial recognition equipment, and

Whereas it has been found by the Secretary of the Department of the Treasury that the citizens of the United States are 79.3% more likely to consume goods and services in interstate commerce when they are not afraid of the prospect of violent crimes being perpetrated against them, and

Whereas Mybroth Erinlaw, President of Facial Recognition Jackbootry Co., LLC, manufacturer of facial recognition equipment now in use by the Department of Homeland Security has testified before Congress that facial hair changes partially or entirely defeat facial recognition equipment,

It is declared by the People of the United States in Congress assembled that it is detrimental to interstate commerce for citizens to change the configuration of their facial hair.

Therefore we enact the Beards Or Hair Indeed Commerce Affect (BOHICA) Act of 2009.

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1) There is hereby created the Office of the Secretary of Shaving (OSS), and such funds as are deemed necessary shall be appropriated from the General Fund to carry out the functions of this office.

2) The Secretary of Shaving shall establish a regulatory framework to govern the growth of facial hair in the United States, which shall regulate activities including but not limited to the following:
A) All persons shall apply for a permit and submit a fee in an amount to be determined by the Director, prior to the removal of facial hair which:
1) Was previously approved to be grown
2) Has been growing for more than three days, in which case a digital image of the applicant's face shall be made before and after the removal of the facial hair
3) Facial hair which was previously not mature enough to require removal in order to maintain facial appearance (e.g. a young male with immature facial hair). In such cases a reduced application fee may be assessed.
4) Has been growing more than two days after it was last shaved

3) Applications and processing fees shall also be required:
A) To allow facial hair to grow more than two days
B) To allow facial hair initially to grow with the onset of puberty

4) Noncompliance with the provisions of this act shall be a felony in the third degree. persons sentenced under this section shall have the follicles of their facial hair medically or mechanically treated in such a way as to prevent further noncompliance with the provisions of the BOHICA Act of 2009, and:
A) Be imprisoned for a term not to exceed ten years
B) Fined not more than twenty five thousand dollars,
C) Be fined and imprisoned according to Section 4 (A) and (B)

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You think they wouldn't, especially if a few of your Elected Heroes got a few fat kickbacks?

Think again.