. . . What a Wonderful Woild!

I see trees so green, a truck so white...

...and I think to my self . . .

"Gee, it's not as hazy out as it usually is!"   The only bad part about this scene is how the rising sun is trying to make the tree on the right into one big orange bloom in the lens.  Oh well.  The coincidence with the song is funny to me to post it up, anyway.

Frosty the Photo Bomber

A little known fact about Frosty the Snowman (and snowmen in general) is that he is starved for attention. Think about it: you build them and forget about 'em. Well, he somehow made it into my photography studio last week and we had a blast. He's a real cut-up, this one. The first I saw of him was a well-played photobomb.

He seemed friendly enough so the cameras and I let him hang out with us for a while. He even managed to get in a pretty convincing duckface once or twice.

Oh frosty, you silly goose!

...then, of course, he melted under the hot studio lighting. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. I just wish he'd had the courtesy to melt onto a paper towel at least....

Madness at Work, Computer LOLs

My computer has a BUNCH of programs that load at startup every day. The last thing in the queue is the sound you will hear when you go to instantrimshot.com and press the big red button. It takes several minutes for the computer to boot up.

Today as my computer was waking up I was across the room talking to one of the guys about cars. I said how fortunate I am, in that my Darling Wife's parents had an El Camino when she was young, so she loves 'em.

VFD: . . . because the El Camino is stereotypically a car that women hate. Unlike the Mustang I was behind yesterday with a chick's personalized plate and the same name on the surround around the plate.
JM: Well, maybe that's because the El Camino says 'I would like to rape you'
VFD: (1/2 tick pause)
VFD: I'm not arguing with you . . .
Computer: :rimshot:
JM & VFD: LOL
VFD: Hi-Five, computer!

Sweet:

DOG. MEAT.

One of the guys at work tells a joke that goes like this:

Kung Fu is in Chinese people's blood. You know what else is in Chinese people's blood?

DOG. MEAT.

My Darling Wife acquired a couple of Subway sandwiches for us for supper. The children (eating spaghetti) were curious and asked what was in the sandwiches. I replied

DOG. MEAT.

and then I thought of my friend from work, and sent him a TXT MSG on the phone:

Socialism is in the President's blood. You know what else is in the President's blood?

DOG. MEAT. !

I'm Right

Seen in somebody's signature line on the Internet today:

I'm right 97% of the time. Who cares about the other 4%?

Rimshot

Madness at Work

VFD: Hey, when is the drawing for this thing?
Guido: Tonight.
VFD: Thanks, WHEN is the drawing.
NJ: Why, are you having second thoughts?
VFD: No, I just want to know what time I need to call everybody to make fun.

********

There were only a handful of intelligent souls where I work today (who didn't buy lottery tickets). Last night I said I'd bet my life at a billion to one odds and today I'm proving I won't bet a dollar at 170whatever million to one odds. Sure it's a half billion dollars, but you're as likely to win if you play as if you don't, all the way out to a half dozen decimal places.

That said, if I can't get in to work tomorrow because everybody with a key called in rich, I probably won't be too happy about the $4 in gas I burned to get there and back home!

And no, to counter an often-repeated argument, nobody HAS TO win. This is what, 18 or 19 times they've drawn for this jackpot. The payout keeps going up with NOBODY winning.

*******

At least 10% of the people employed at my company bought into the office pool for one reason: they would suffer severe psychological trauma if the pool hit the jackpot and they weren't in on it. I wholeheartedly endorse this as a low dollar insurance plan for future mental stability. If you think you might be kicking yourself tomorrow, by all means go buy a ticket or ten. Just remember you wouldn't have won anyway, so don't feel too bad when you don't win.

Eat It

Shaping The Destiny of Your Own Children

My Darling Wife is stepping out this morning. I wanted her to stay a few minutes more because I enjoy her company. She wanted to go because she would end up leaving late if she didn't leave early. #1 heard Mommy was leaving and set out to go with her.

DW: Well I'll be here a few minutes longer, she wants to go with me. I'm going to make her a turkey sandwich
VFD: You can't make your children a turkey sandwich
DW: I am going to make a turkey sandwich . . .
VFD: They can only be a turkey sandwich if they want to be.
DW: . . . for her

(later)

DW: You're so silly
VFD: :-D

Madness at Work

NP was flying his S107G around on break time and Guido was trying to shoot it out of the air with an AirZooka. Guido is not exactly the world's greatest sportsman and his hit ratio was pretty low. I got a little frustrated at all the misses I was hearing, and set out to see if I could down the airplane with the air cannon myself. First shot was a miss but a close one. Second shot was a hit, but not too impressive because it was about 1 meter away. Then (after recovering from yet another disastrous crash) NP started flying again and he was going about as fast as his modded S107 could go. I had a wide-missed shot, then realized I needed to lead the bird to hit it in flight. I led it and hit it and the helicoper smashed into a doorjamb and went down, hard. Satisfied, I put the AirZooka on a shelf and went back to work. On my way back to my desk, I said quietly, in a squeaky voice, said "How can you shoot women and children!?" to nobody in particular.

JM asked if I had said what he thought I had said. After I responded in the affirmative, he LOL'd pretty good.

Machine Guns vs. Clips

How is a machine gun like a clip-on necktie?

They both make a very specific task much easier! Also some people despise them for their looks. Also I like them. When I wrote this, I was wearing a clip-on tie. Not packing a machine gun just now, unfortunately.

Oh, also (and this is stretching the joke) if you don't have a belt when using either one, your friends will think you look silly (rimshot)

Not Desperate At ALL!

The President has floated a new weather balloon. Feel free to mock both it and him.

Herman Cain has proposed his 9/9/9 plan for simplifying the tax code. The President did not mention it during his Jobs Speech before the joint session of Congress, but surely he must have been working on it already. Surely the smartest guy in the room wouldn't make such an obvious desperation move as proposing a 19/19/19 plan AFTER polls showed Cain gaining ground with his 9/9/9 plan, right? I mean, this is certainly a sign of bold leadership from President Obama, right? Right?

*ahem*

********
Is my google-fu weak or has this story been spiked already? I can't find it online and they were talking about it on the radio this morning. Or am I in some crazy freak-out time warp? Did this happen next week?

Drug Smuggling Pro Tip: Use Your Turn Signals

If you:

• Have no license to drive on public roadways
• Have no insurance on your car and
• Have $10,000,000 worth of coke in the trunk

You might want to avoid making illegal lane changes, mmkay?

You will click this link. You will laugh. Try not to wake your baby, like I just did.

At least he went back to sleep on his own.

Racist Jokes are Good for Society

Tonight we were at a little boy's birthday party. They had Ritz crackers and chicken salad to spread on the crackers, pretzels, and a two-cookies-thick cookie cake. Rather light on sustenance for a Mexican get together but this is a white-as-rice family and the lack of enough food to get full off of is not unusual. Still, people gotta eat.

I was at the bar loading down a Ritz with some chicken salad, with my arm extended about shoulder-high manipulating the salad serving spoon. A lady (who like me was at the party mostly as a child delivery mechanism) came to get some food. This is a black lady who is a friend of my family's. The room was loud and she quietly said something about getting some crackers as she reached under my arm to the cracker plate.

Lady: (mumble mumble) crackers...
VFD: What did you call me?
Lady: LOL No yew di'int!
VFD: LOL

And right there I reminded both of us that we are "fed with the same food" and "if you prick us, do we not bleed?"

When you get a chance to make people laugh at the obvious non-differences between the "races" of men, you further the cause of world peace. For the sake of humanity, make (well-meaning) racist jokes!

********

But carefully choose your audience. I almost got stomped flat for calling BBM "boy" before he got to know me.

Quote of the Day 07 June 2011

Really? Twice? -Uncle

Ha
Ha
Ha
Sometimes analyses don't need much length to be brilliant.

You're Telling Me, Robot.

Today between church meetings we went home, had a nice lunch, and everyone but me went down for a nap. I would have, but if I did, the children would not have fallen asleep. I'm the watcher, and the enforcer of sleep time. My Darling Wife (most important) got a good hour and a half or so. I got maybe 30 minutes, 10 minutes at a time and not the best sleep ever recorded. Whatever, so back to church we go and I was in the nursery with the youngest boys for a few minutes and felt like whinging. I decided to send myself a cutesy text message.

VFD: whips out phone
VFD: punch buttons until it is asking who gets the message
VFD: enter my phone number by pushing letters until they turn into numbers
VFD: type message: "needa nap"
VFD: hit send
Phone: "Sending Message"
VFD: flippin sweet, here we go and . . .
Phone: "Service Unavailable"
VFD: *snort* Tell me about it!
VFD: try again, using number entry mode to name the recipient
Phone: "Sending Message"
VFD: Okay, that seems to have worked, let's see how long it takes :D
Phone: *Reboots*
VFD: SRSLY phone?
Phone: Oh hai! Somebody sent you a message while I was sleeping . . .

Selective Hearing

The beef soup was not a family favorite. The children had to be enticed with the prospect of iced cream even to be done with their first servings. #1 and #2 were long done but #3 was really milking it.

What I said: No, You are not finished right now
What #3 heard: . . . you . . . are . . . finished . . . now

#3: I finished?!
Mommy & Daddy in unison: NO!

Oh well. Better luck next time, buddy.

Joke of the Day

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Joke of the Day

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Me? Why Me?

At the local huge mega chain grocery store, they have plastic cups for sale with fun designs & pictures printed on the sides. The last one I got for myself had Superman on the side. My Darling Wife got a handful of them, princesses for the girl, Toy story and cars for the boys, etc. This one she got me had, of all people, Darth Vader on the side. My response:

Hey! How come I have to be Dick Cheney?