More Good News!

Here is a sampling of the stories you will not be seeing on your alphabet news channel's nightly news broadcast tonight:

New York will be able to borrow money to pay its obligations to its pension fund. The money will be borrowed from . . . (drumroll) . . . the same pension fund it will be used to pay! It's not a shell game, it's GOVERNMENT in action!

President Obama knows you State governments are having to cut back on your budgets. President Obama can't imagine State employees taking pay cuts and benefit package reductions to save money. President Obama can only imagine having to fire the most critical of employees instead of low-level functionaries. President Obama knows he can point an M4 at people in other States to "borrow" more money. So President Obama wants to ease the bankrupt States' pain to the tune of $50Bn at the expense of the taxpayers all over the country.

There is enough drug gang-related violence in Puerto Rico to warrant calling out the National Guard to back up the local Police.

And if that isn't enough good news, now comes word that the well casing possibly thousands of feet beneath the seabed is damaged, and that's why they stopped the top-kill procedure: it was leaking into the rocks outside the well, not plugging the well. That means if Obama dons his SuperPresident wet suit and swims down there with a cork to plug the pipe sticking up out of the sea floor, it will just shoot oil into the rocks and come up God-knows-where. Not that anyone is doing much to clean it up as it is, but oil leaking through the rocks is hypothetically worse than oil leaking through a pipe. This is also the reason they are not trying to close all the vents on the top cap: they don't want to make the leak into the rocks around the casing worse.

But there is actually some good news to report: Several billion barrels of oil have been found on land in the USA and they are being sucked out. Don't give the Sierra Club any ideas about turning the area into a wildlife preserve and those investors really just might make their 13000% RETURNS!!!!!1! (if they subscribe to the newsletter) Peak Oil theory proponents reportedly last seen mumbling to themselves in a corner of the room.